Great Moves for 31 Year Old Rec League or Playground Players with Bad Legs

The Loaf - This isn't a move so much as it is a way of being ... a way of life ... a giant fuck you to all those hot shots that want to drive the lane in your game. And it's so simple ... Park yourself in the middle of the key, arms down at your side, and don't plan on making any moves that are more than half a meter to either side of you. The loaf works best after a heavy pasta meal about 45 minutes before the game, followed by a large glass of water to give you that extra girth. Make sure you swell up really nice like. Make sure your post opponent knows that the loaf is filled with what I like to call multi-grained pain by tripping he or she up with little seedy shots whenever they pass. Nothing mean ... just a few little elbows to the ribs (as we have learned about already) and loaf-like trash talking when they are in the post (your mama's bread goes stale within the hour ... or ... you call that a crouton?!?!). And finally, when those aforementioned drives start coming in ... give em' the ol' dough is rising by waiting until the last minute, throwing your arms straight up in the air, but at the same time turning your head and pushing your upper chest into their jump at such an angle that you avoid getting hurt yet give them the loafiest power stop they have likely ever had on the drive.