Showing posts with label The Aged. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Aged. Show all posts
Monday, November 16, 2009
Great Moves for 31 Year Old Rec League or Playground Players with Bad Legs
The Loaf - This isn't a move so much as it is a way of being ... a way of life ... a giant fuck you to all those hot shots that want to drive the lane in your game. And it's so simple ... Park yourself in the middle of the key, arms down at your side, and don't plan on making any moves that are more than half a meter to either side of you. The loaf works best after a heavy pasta meal about 45 minutes before the game, followed by a large glass of water to give you that extra girth. Make sure you swell up really nice like. Make sure your post opponent knows that the loaf is filled with what I like to call multi-grained pain by tripping he or she up with little seedy shots whenever they pass. Nothing mean ... just a few little elbows to the ribs (as we have learned about already) and loaf-like trash talking when they are in the post (your mama's bread goes stale within the hour ... or ... you call that a crouton?!?!). And finally, when those aforementioned drives start coming in ... give em' the ol' dough is rising by waiting until the last minute, throwing your arms straight up in the air, but at the same time turning your head and pushing your upper chest into their jump at such an angle that you avoid getting hurt yet give them the loafiest power stop they have likely ever had on the drive.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Great Moves for 31 Year Old Rec League or Playground Bball Players with Bad Legs (part deux)
Welcome to the second instalment of GMF31YORLOPBPWBL. I believe it very important to give back to my community, thus the verbal basketball clinics you receive in these posts. Use them well my beautiful children.
The Fit - Throw a fit ... arms flailing, jumping around, and of course cursing. Oh! ... and don't forget to seem remorseful afterward. The simplicity of the fit can be deceiving. You have to really sell it. Freak the hell out.
This bastard post has been a draft for a month ... so fuck it ... that's all for today ... one fucking move.
More to come!!!
The Fit - Throw a fit ... arms flailing, jumping around, and of course cursing. Oh! ... and don't forget to seem remorseful afterward. The simplicity of the fit can be deceiving. You have to really sell it. Freak the hell out.
This bastard post has been a draft for a month ... so fuck it ... that's all for today ... one fucking move.
More to come!!!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Great Moves for 31 Year Old Rec League or Playground Bball Players with Bad Legs
Me:
Streetball Moniker = Hot Deals. Gym Moniker = The Golden Scepter, The Vanilla Thrilla, Neon Tetra the Kissing Gourami, F-14 Tomcat ... and many others. 31 years old. 6'1". 20 + years of basketball. Once a glorious sky walker ... now ... no legs.
My Moves:
The Elbow to the Ribs - Employed on defense. This is likely the most important move in my repertoire. For whatever reason I have been asked to play a lot of post in the various leagues I rock across TO. In the past I have been a small forward or 2, usually responsible for guarding the opposing teams highest scorer by using my feet to stay between them and the basket. I guess time has caught up with me now and my main duty is to hold down the paint against guys that are multiple inches taller than me. First rule, keep them out of the paint. This is where the Elbow to the Ribs comes in. The very first play of the game, nestle the pointy appendage softly between your opponents lowest two ribs. Once you have placement press hard. It's important not too hit with the elbow as that is crappy violent way to get your point across. Place and push.
The Forearm Check - Employed on defense. When your opponent is darting from one side of the key to the next to find position, make sure you let them know that you don't want them in your house by giving them firm forearm checks as they run by you. The object is to move them inch by inch out of the key before they get the ball to facilitate a help defense scenario when they do, and to make them generally pissed off and possibly think you are mildly bi-curious. Turn the big galoots into jump shooters.
The Lean - Employed on Defense. 6'10" muscle bound opponent. Likes the ball down low or 10 m away from you with room to barrel down the runway. No way to stop him once he gets in these situations. Don't let him. Follow him like a shadow the entire time with one arm wrapped up in his and your entire body weight leaning on his shoulder. A 45 degree angle to his hip can likely hold him in place too, but you might find yourself on the ground if he/she (should have mentioned this earlier ... certainly it's he/she) gets wise.
The Ball Fake - Employed on offense. We all know what this is, the point I'd like to make is that why only use it once or twice a game. It's full devastating capacity can't be overstated. Use it anywhere from 3-25 times in a single possession. Your opponent will be so dazed with the show you'll finally be able to coast right by them when their neck seizes up or they get too bored to care. If I'm stuck down in the paint with the big galoot I mentioned earlier i like to combine the fake with another couple of moves to make this fierce little combo ... The Ball Fake to Coin Pickup Head Plow - A few ball fakes (with some long pivots of course), get yourself facing the basket, bend at the waist like you're going to pick up a coin, and then use your head to plow the person out of the way. Till the soil as it were. Go up for the easy two.
That ends this installment. More to come later. Perhaps I'll get my man Dinner Roll to big up the art of the Long Nail Bad Breath perimeter stylings that have made him famous on the courts of Roxton.
Streetball Moniker = Hot Deals. Gym Moniker = The Golden Scepter, The Vanilla Thrilla, Neon Tetra the Kissing Gourami, F-14 Tomcat ... and many others. 31 years old. 6'1". 20 + years of basketball. Once a glorious sky walker ... now ... no legs.
My Moves:
The Elbow to the Ribs - Employed on defense. This is likely the most important move in my repertoire. For whatever reason I have been asked to play a lot of post in the various leagues I rock across TO. In the past I have been a small forward or 2, usually responsible for guarding the opposing teams highest scorer by using my feet to stay between them and the basket. I guess time has caught up with me now and my main duty is to hold down the paint against guys that are multiple inches taller than me. First rule, keep them out of the paint. This is where the Elbow to the Ribs comes in. The very first play of the game, nestle the pointy appendage softly between your opponents lowest two ribs. Once you have placement press hard. It's important not too hit with the elbow as that is crappy violent way to get your point across. Place and push.
The Forearm Check - Employed on defense. When your opponent is darting from one side of the key to the next to find position, make sure you let them know that you don't want them in your house by giving them firm forearm checks as they run by you. The object is to move them inch by inch out of the key before they get the ball to facilitate a help defense scenario when they do, and to make them generally pissed off and possibly think you are mildly bi-curious. Turn the big galoots into jump shooters.
The Lean - Employed on Defense. 6'10" muscle bound opponent. Likes the ball down low or 10 m away from you with room to barrel down the runway. No way to stop him once he gets in these situations. Don't let him. Follow him like a shadow the entire time with one arm wrapped up in his and your entire body weight leaning on his shoulder. A 45 degree angle to his hip can likely hold him in place too, but you might find yourself on the ground if he/she (should have mentioned this earlier ... certainly it's he/she) gets wise.
The Ball Fake - Employed on offense. We all know what this is, the point I'd like to make is that why only use it once or twice a game. It's full devastating capacity can't be overstated. Use it anywhere from 3-25 times in a single possession. Your opponent will be so dazed with the show you'll finally be able to coast right by them when their neck seizes up or they get too bored to care. If I'm stuck down in the paint with the big galoot I mentioned earlier i like to combine the fake with another couple of moves to make this fierce little combo ... The Ball Fake to Coin Pickup Head Plow - A few ball fakes (with some long pivots of course), get yourself facing the basket, bend at the waist like you're going to pick up a coin, and then use your head to plow the person out of the way. Till the soil as it were. Go up for the easy two.
That ends this installment. More to come later. Perhaps I'll get my man Dinner Roll to big up the art of the Long Nail Bad Breath perimeter stylings that have made him famous on the courts of Roxton.
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