Clusterfuck at the West End YMCA

nervous tension
a day in waiting
it has been so long
freshly laundered shirt
remains mildly stinky
double the eco-friendly detergent
next time
jump in the car, erase the wash's high-fived earthy sentiment
and cruise through Parkdale
blasting reggae
VD pops in
we're off to the Y
nervous tension
as we change
prepare
$20 Reeboks
locker 381
freshly laundered shirt
remains mildly stinky
ready
to the gym we ascend
and open the door
to terror
the Y
is a bball clusterfuck

Great Moves for 31 Year Old Rec League or Playground Players with Bad Legs

The Loaf - This isn't a move so much as it is a way of being ... a way of life ... a giant fuck you to all those hot shots that want to drive the lane in your game. And it's so simple ... Park yourself in the middle of the key, arms down at your side, and don't plan on making any moves that are more than half a meter to either side of you. The loaf works best after a heavy pasta meal about 45 minutes before the game, followed by a large glass of water to give you that extra girth. Make sure you swell up really nice like. Make sure your post opponent knows that the loaf is filled with what I like to call multi-grained pain by tripping he or she up with little seedy shots whenever they pass. Nothing mean ... just a few little elbows to the ribs (as we have learned about already) and loaf-like trash talking when they are in the post (your mama's bread goes stale within the hour ... or ... you call that a crouton?!?!). And finally, when those aforementioned drives start coming in ... give em' the ol' dough is rising by waiting until the last minute, throwing your arms straight up in the air, but at the same time turning your head and pushing your upper chest into their jump at such an angle that you avoid getting hurt yet give them the loafiest power stop they have likely ever had on the drive.

Songs Forever Tied To Bball - Born on the Bayou

I can't remember if it was NBA Inside Stuff, a documentary I got from the Waterloo Public Library, or some other venue ... but whenever I hear Born on the Bayou by CCR the image of Pistol Pete Maravich cruising down an NBA court in slow motion is immediately conjured up in my mind.

The song's slow muddy, yet at the same time frenetic vibe reminds me of a young boy playing basketball on some old, mossy court, with the swampy bayou wilderness in the background. It's one of the perfect songs for a hot summer afternoon's game. The kind of days in which the heat forces a lazy introspection on you and you can truly visualize the moves that are going to come to you next, but at the same time you force nothing as your muscles are so relaxed by the heat. The kind of song that helps you melt into the game.

The song really fit the atmosphere of one of the courts I played on profusely. Middle of large field ... a forest about 200 meters in the distance ... a sink for the hottest summer heat.

Living the Life of a Preseason Gaaad

Thanks to a wonderful cougar and my handsome friend Kyle romancing some tickets out of her, I was able to attend last night's second Raptor's preseason game ... courtside ... 7 rows up ... heaven!!!

The game was actually stupendous. The young guys got most of the burn for certain, but with the game being played at such a frenetic pace one couldn't help but enjoy.

A few guys really stuck out to me.

Firstly Sonny Weems. Energy, athleticism, dunk after dunk. He was the best player on the court that night.

Secondly, Reggie Evans. Grit, tenacity, passion. He is as billed thus far and I don't care what the other Raptor bloggers write when they say that allowing him to get the ball could be the best defensive play any team makes, he is a hugely important addition to this team. Not only for what he brings on the court, but also for how he can inspire his fellow Raps.

The final piece that I have been greatly impressed with is Marcus Banks. I believe that his on court leadership and hustle have been completely the opposite of what I was expecting, making me realize that we didn't really get to see this guy last year and might actually have a nice piece on our hands. It just goes to show how the hype machine can really get carried away as most Raptors fans completely dismissed Banks as a good-for-nothing, end of the bench salary eater.

The three people that can do better in my mind ... Calderon, Jack and Bellinelli. I'm not worried about them though as their games will surely pick up in the next two weeks.

Wassup Blogosphere?!

What can I say? My dreams have been fulfilled, I finally have a blog on the world wide web and it's about basketball. And life. I hope to turn around a few lives and really make a difference while I'm here, all accomplished through my writing about basketball. Prepare to get your respective heads blown, every last one of you.

I'd like to thank my man NC for hooking me up with an invite to the blog. NC, thank you for taking 2.34 seconds out of your busy schedule to click your mouse a couple of times. You're a real stand-up guy. You will regret this decision, I hereby make my solemn promise to you and yours.

So, basketball. I like it, you like it. It's why we're all here. Why should you care about what I have to say about it? Because I'm badass, and you'll find out why soon enough.

I'm currently a pretty hardcore Raps fan, but first and foremost I'm a basketball fan. I like it so much that I subject my 5'5" frame to a fairly regular schedule of ball, and if you're a smaller player you know how sadistic that can be sometimes. I get blocked a lot. Stuffed, whatever. You name it. But I keep coming back for more, and if that's not true passion you can all eat it. I have a few jerseys from more recent eras (mid 90s recent) and I currently have my eye on a Chauncy Billups Nuggets jersey.

So while this blog will focus on the Raps, it'll be in perspective with the rest of the NBA. I follow the league as tenaciously as our local squad, so this isn't written by someone who only watches the Raps with their head in the sand regarding the bigger picture. With that in mind, I have to say that overall I feel pretty positively about this team. Conversely, I feel pretty damn negatively about the doom and gloom that seems to have already arrived in our great city.

Bosh's pending free agency. Turkoglu's hurt and played like crap at the Eurobasket. Possible inability to gel as a group. Still can't play defense. Tough schedule early on. Inexperienced coach. The rest of the conference got a lot better.

Guess what? It's September 22nd and the season is still 6 weeks away. All of these comments are pointless. We won't know any answers until they hit the court.

Know what? I'll bet that Turkoglu suffers a catastrophic injury and the rest of the team doesn't get along and we wind up with a 32 win season. Worse than last year by one game. Ouch.

Know what else? I'll wager that the Raps are going to have an excellent year, both Bosh and Turk make the all-star team, we get past the 1st round of the playoffs, and hell, maybe we'll even challenge for the conference title.

Who knows? I sure don't, so I'm going to sit back and try and catch some classic games on TV until the season actually starts. It's called chilling the fuck out, and I think some of you need to try it.

Now I am off to get NC to lend me his Celtics and Knicks DVDs. He owes me for writing this blog after all.

Jeff Mother Fucking Hornacek

That is all.

Some Love for Doug

Doug Smith is my favorite off-season NBA blogger. He's superb really and truly. Usually by the time the fourth quarter of the Raptors NBA season rolls around I am as utterly fed up by his melancholic, often condescending rants as he must be with the fans totally baseless, fear mongering/comment column panic attacks.

Speaking of the Toronto faithful I posed a question to him on his blog the other day regarding our voracity amongst North American sports fans and what makes us seemingly share an angst ridden kinship with fans from other large East Coast cities. His response was succinct, yet pristine in it's accuracy.

Here's how it played out.

"What do you think it is about Toronto, New York and Philly fans that make us so "unique"?

Blogger's note: Historical mediocrity, basic insecurity, too much time on their hands"

Posted by: NC | August 11, 2009 at 10:27 AM

Stunning really. As poignant as pelican in a sea of peas.

Great Moves for 31 Year Old Rec League or Playground Bball Players with Bad Legs

Me:

Streetball Moniker = Hot Deals. Gym Moniker = The Golden Scepter, The Vanilla Thrilla, Neon Tetra the Kissing Gourami, F-14 Tomcat ... and many others. 31 years old. 6'1". 20 + years of basketball. Once a glorious sky walker ... now ... no legs.

My Moves:

The Elbow to the Ribs - Employed on defense. This is likely the most important move in my repertoire. For whatever reason I have been asked to play a lot of post in the various leagues I rock across TO. In the past I have been a small forward or 2, usually responsible for guarding the opposing teams highest scorer by using my feet to stay between them and the basket. I guess time has caught up with me now and my main duty is to hold down the paint against guys that are multiple inches taller than me. First rule, keep them out of the paint. This is where the Elbow to the Ribs comes in. The very first play of the game, nestle the pointy appendage softly between your opponents lowest two ribs. Once you have placement press hard. It's important not too hit with the elbow as that is crappy violent way to get your point across. Place and push.

The Forearm Check - Employed on defense. When your opponent is darting from one side of the key to the next to find position, make sure you let them know that you don't want them in your house by giving them firm forearm checks as they run by you. The object is to move them inch by inch out of the key before they get the ball to facilitate a help defense scenario when they do, and to make them generally pissed off and possibly think you are mildly bi-curious. Turn the big galoots into jump shooters.

The Lean - Employed on Defense. 6'10" muscle bound opponent. Likes the ball down low or 10 m away from you with room to barrel down the runway. No way to stop him once he gets in these situations. Don't let him. Follow him like a shadow the entire time with one arm wrapped up in his and your entire body weight leaning on his shoulder. A 45 degree angle to his hip can likely hold him in place too, but you might find yourself on the ground if he/she (should have mentioned this earlier ... certainly it's he/she) gets wise.

The Ball Fake - Employed on offense. We all know what this is, the point I'd like to make is that why only use it once or twice a game. It's full devastating capacity can't be overstated. Use it anywhere from 3-25 times in a single possession. Your opponent will be so dazed with the show you'll finally be able to coast right by them when their neck seizes up or they get too bored to care. If I'm stuck down in the paint with the big galoot I mentioned earlier i like to combine the fake with another couple of moves to make this fierce little combo ... The Ball Fake to Coin Pickup Head Plow - A few ball fakes (with some long pivots of course), get yourself facing the basket, bend at the waist like you're going to pick up a coin, and then use your head to plow the person out of the way. Till the soil as it were. Go up for the easy two.

That ends this installment. More to come later. Perhaps I'll get my man Dinner Roll to big up the art of the Long Nail Bad Breath perimeter stylings that have made him famous on the courts of Roxton.

Smoothing Feathers

Pictures by the Nac Daddy:

Catch it on the Wind

In catching the movie Rise Up this past Sunday during the Hot Docs film festival in Toronto I was caught by a sentiment that one of the subjects of the documentary, Turbulence the Future, relayed to the camera. In talking about the musicality of the Island nation, that produces more songs per capita than any other place on earth, Turbulence mentioned that it just "blows in the wind" and that the island's population could not help but be musical. This is a notion that I have often attached to basketball. When one harnesses the power that is on the wind, first having a basic understanding of the mechanics of the game and the physical self, the opportunities for play are seemingly endless. Universal rhythms are at our disposal anytime we need them. Their ebb and flow must simply be tapped, acknowledged and welcomed into the moment. Relaxing with the surrounding game is the best way to truly have a good time and play to the best of your ability.

Available to anyone, regardless of medium.

Sunshine Laker Crazy

Shining sun, blossoming tree outside my work window ... and crazy ass LA Lakers beating up on the Houston Rockets. Ron Artest was not the crazy one for once as Kobe pulled a typical "there are no rules that apply to a god such as I", elbowing Ron Ron in the throat. But what was worse ... far worse ... was Derek Fisher's crazy take out of Luis Scola. It's the second round of the playoffs and games will be contested hotly yes, but if you watch the take out followed by Fisher's explanation in the media it is my guess that you will wonder why the league doesn't crack down harder on incidents such as this. Kind of crazy in my mind.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDX2ktK9OR4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOysrtzWBkE ... what a douche!

Of Seizmic Shifts and Harrowing Balcony Dances

It was a scary scene at the ACC. Nearing the end of regulation a huge tremor ripped through Toronto causing the entire arena to be flipped onto it's side as easily as a baby is picked up to be burped. It didn't stop the fans though as evidenced by the video I shot above. We just danced right through our precarious perpendicular position only to watch the Raps lose by 1 to the red hot Trailblazers.

Overall I thought the game was pretty good. There was a lot to be content about regarding a more free-flowing offense. It looked great for a while. However, the Blazers eventually got the best of the Raptors in the 3 point department. Also, Aldridge lit them up by hitting every contested shot he took. None of them seemed easy. Sigh ... good game all in all.

Meeting super reporter Doug Smith at the half was also a huge bonus. My man Vishus Delishus (VD ... maybe it's time to rethink that nickname?!?!) did all the talking, and although Doug was clearly very busy, he took the time to ask VD's take on the new look team. Seemed like a really great guy he did.

As for the food, well, I didn't look for any (somehow) previously missed "sweet treats" (LD). I was too busy occupying my taste buds with the dollar store Gum Drops I smuggled in my coat's smugglin' pockect. There's always next time, provided they manage to flip the ACC back to normal.

The ACC Post Earthquake

Video and Picture by the Nac Daddy:

The ACC (and Toronto) Need More Region Specific Sport Food

I'm off to the Air Canada Centre today to catch the Toronto Raptors in action with the Portland Trailblazers (that sounds hotter than it is). I am somewhat excited for the game, but mostly excited for some arena food. Clearly I have a problem. To me it's a necessary evil when I travel to see games elsewhere, to see what culinary delights specific arenas have to offer.

Toronto, however, does not inspire me. In mentioning that I'm excited for arena food above it's simply because I am damn hungry! We need to invent something in the realm of sports related food ... something new and big. And make it region specific. In Philly you have the Cheese Steak, at MSG in New York you have the mighty Knish ... in Toronto we have the Pizza Slice, the Hot Dog and the Nacho with Cheese, all of which can be obtained in every other arena in the known universe.

The Mighty Knish

Perhaps I haven't looked closely enough around the ACC. Perhaps there is a secret epicurean ecstacy that hasn't jumped out at me. But I doubt it.

In Toronto we have a great many ethnic communities that heartily support our Raptors, why not incorporate some international menu items into the fray, all the while keeping it local by proxy. Make the new items vegetarian friendly, open a Beef Jerky booth to reflect our teams greatest Texan ... I don't know ... do something. Help us out! What about Onion Badjis? Great finger food. Heck ... Poutine!!!

Onion Badji: Totally Arena Friendly

Here in the Big Smoke there are already plans to diversify our street vendors to include more international choices, why not extend this mentality to the arenas? I realize that this choice is not a simple one to make and much market testing must be done, but the more we can do to seperate this team as an original in it's own right the quicker we make it a special place in the basketball world and the better we position ourself to capture uniqe players to help define us. To me the surrounding experience is as much a part of the game as the game itself. This is basketball, it's spicy! Letting the bland palates of hockey fans dominate the food we eat is not right, please do something about that!

Oh and while you're at it ACC, how about letting more local breweries have a crack at your basketball audience. It would be heavenly to be able to enjoy an ice cold Mill St Organic while watching the Raps.

In closing we need something new in the realm of arena food. A local delight (that possibly hasn't been invented yet), a treat that represents the members of the team or an international food that represents the community.

Triano's Maiden Voyage

Bam!!! The hype, the tension, edge of your seat nail-biting action. Raptors fans from kilometers around gathered together in a huddled mass of anticipation, splitting at the seams with the agonizing possibility of another ... actually I didn't watch it. Apparently they got killed though.

Instead I hung out with a good friend, enjoyed a corking (thank you thesaurus) St-Ambroise apricot wheat ale and then found my way to bed around 9:30. Glorious after a crazy week at work.

I have been trying to seperate myself from the Raptor nation a bit lately for I do not want to find myself in the position of insanely grumpy come March should an upward trend refuse to become apparent. Don't get me wrong, I still support this team and watch as many of the games as I possibly can take, it's just that I now read blog comments on Doug Smith's Raps blog {http://thestar.blogs.com/raptors/ (the absolute best in the business!!!)} as sparingly as possible lest I sink back into blind fandom. Still love the blog itself though. And I certainly avoid all the wanker blogs that I'd occasionally read to put a fire in my belly. I mean is it really worth it? There are much better things to focus on like cats and long sunny walks down the Mill Race in St Jacobs, or those amazing dynamite rolls at Sushi Bong.

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Home of the Bong. You will not regret checking it out.

Honestly, I might begin to devote my basketball assiduousness towards my second favourite team, the mfing New York Knicks. Give them some love before they sign Lebron and get all corn dog plastic on my ass. But at least I'll be able to follow Bosh's career for my entire life ... oh 2010 ... what do you have in store for us?!?!

FFMA

It's a new dawn for the Raptors. Regardless of whether or not you bought into the bounty on Sam Mitchell's head, the decision to fire the 3+ year coach of the Raptors has been made.

I for one am very conflicted about this. I had been calling for his head for years (in personal circles/not so much publicly) citing an uninspired offense as the reason. Yet, when the news finally came I reacted with great sadness. I had come to know Sam through the media as a very unique individual, one who was prone to egging on the local beat grunts while seemingly getting along famously with the players. A "players coach". A guy with a tremendous sense of style. His sideline mannerisms have been just about the most enjoyable thing to watch in relation to the Raps for the last few weeks ... hell, stretching into last season. Watching him in the media scrums was also a favourite past time of mine. Seemingly the man didn't take shit from anyone, a refreshing energy for a team that often looked like seasonal affective disorder had grabbed a hold of it's mind grapes. The long and short of this paragraph ... his character will be missed.

In retrospect perhaps he hasn't had all that much to work with. To paraphrase the man himself, not all the players he has lead have been a fully viable NBA resource. I couldn't agree more. I certainly won't deny that Sam ran some great plays in his Toronto tenure. On many occasions he squeezed blood from a line up of the aforementioned stones. In my mind this will not go unnoticed. Former coach of the year, 47 win season, bringing together unlikely teammates, there is much to applaud.

It's with a somewhat heavy heart that I say adios to S Mi.

I actually say a-choo when I sneeze.

Conditioning? Who knows. A chicken or the egg for the ages.

Welcome to ZF ... one Parkdalian's coverage of the many things he finds interesting. Heavily slanted by the rhythm of round ball, moved by literacy and illiteracy alike, powered by a 2007 Mexican sun beam and an Ullapool Boar fence, loving that vase on the top of my bookcase, it is my hope that you will come back time and time again to catch my mostly nonsensical caterwauling.